Amedion’s Blogs

Clubbing for life guy
Attached to a girl who hates it
Always giving her empty promises
Got scared and feels empty
Don’t know what I really want
Doesn’t feel right anymore
Seek for freedom by leaving the relationship
She blames herself for the matter
Said she would change
I was wrong to trust her
At the end
Got blamed for not being caring
What is so good about my ex she asked
I dropped a thousand tears
Not a single one reserve for her
Ex always accompany me wherever I wanted to go
Doesn’t matter who I’m with
As long as she’s with me
Maybe I was wrong back then
She just don’t realize my heart cries for her
My words is like dagger cutting her
Sorry for the empty promises I made
I just can’t stand still do nothing
I cannot live my life without my friends
I cannot reject my friend’s invitation no more
Tried my best to make our relationship gets better
Succeeded but it all ends again
It’s not easy to do things that I don’t want to do
Alone in this room again tonight
Kinda thinking about the things that I did for her
The feelings that I’ve gone through before
I do care and feels like wanna cry for her tonight
She will never believe me
I treat her like puppet in her thought
What is love when there’s no trust
Why you don’t believe my love on you
I’m never been the kind to let my feeling shows
I just being strong to let go off the pain.
Sorry thoughts and fightening sounds in my mind
Still I try avoid it
Things I wanna say to her couldn’t come out
I can’t really sense my surroundings
Seem to be all dark around
Nothing there to lighten up my way
Honestly don’t know where I’ll end up at last
Tried everything to succeed somehow
But that’s not the way things are right now
Feeling kinda lost
There’s no need to say goodbye
I wanna ask you not to cry
We will always have each other just like it was from the start
Cause you have your special place in my heart
Always …

As the clock tickings
Lung filled with smoke
It’s counting the seconds left on me
I’d love to breathe fresh air in the morning
Just never had that chance
Frustrated with the place I brush my teeth and tidy up
Polluted by smoke
Won’t go for washroom either
Someone will be holding a cigarette and smoke it
Have to hold my breath just to urinate
Weird to brush teeth in room but I get used to it
That’s what I do to prevent smoke
Forget it
Prepare my cup of coffee and get to work
God damn polluted air conditioning stationeries shop it is
I hate cigarette so much
Its a stick of life for my parent
Its a food for life to my friends
Why none of my friend is virgin at it
Nighttime in the club
Not far away like a chinese temple
Sometimes I have difficulty in breathing
I know it myself that I gonna die pretty soon killed by my parents

A woman isn’t much of a woman if she betray your love when the love is all you have…

False hope

Just another day. I wandering through my place and try to forget her. Wherever i go, all my friends will ask for her because she always by my side all the time. Those question really hurt me and i take a few minutes to answer them which turn out they don’t believe me. I feels tired to keep explaining the truth which almost made me cry.
I dropped a lot of tears for her. I don’t know if that’s a cure to stop me from feeling the pain. I just wanna make sure that maybe if she really don’t love me but i can’t tell. I can see deep inside her heart, I am the only one that she love the most. Why? I just don’t know the reason. She can’t explain it either. Couple that love each others but cannot be together. What theory is that?
Suddenly, she SMS me and tell that she still love me the most. Cannot forget me. I felt the same. She wanna get back with me. I accepted her as i cannot lose her. I thank God for giving me this chance to be with her again. No more tears in my eye. I so happy to hear that.
It was false hope anyway. She said goodbye to me again on that night.
I am very dissapointed as i already face it halfway. Now i have to start all over again. Those restless night.

Moving on

I’ve become a little kid who scare of darkness. Whenever the nighttime comes. My mood straight drop till the bottom line because that’s the moment we always together. Hanging out. Spending time together. My smile is so fake in front of my friends. My heart is asking me to cry out loud as i miss her too much. I can’t do that. I must be tough. No point torturing myself for a girl who don’t appreciate me. No woman worth your tears, the one that worth your tears won’t make you cry. That is all i always think of. I cannot control the pain and the feeling. I could only trick my mind to be stronger. I know time will heals but i really wish i could turn back time and spend a little more time with her. If i had one more night to spend. I would steal every second with her and i will never let it end. I will never leave a part of her behind.
No one could replace her. She filled all the space in my heart. She’s my only one.
When i look up ahead i see her.
When i lie on my bed and close my eye i see her.
When i go to familiar places i see her.
When i driving alone i see her beside.
When i sitting lonely in my room, i really want to hug her, kiss her and care for her. I could only cry and grab my heart. Tell myself it’s over. The time is move very slow. I dare not sleep. I know the next day i wake up, she will not be there lying on my arm.  Hugging me. Give me a kiss in the morning. Will i ever get to have that dream come true again? Nightmare…
It’s so hard to move on…

Desperate, Lonely and Pathetic

Many people criticize me and her. She is known as a girl who don’t appreciate the one who love her so much. For what i did. I am known as a desperate and pathetic guy. Let’s call it stupid. A guy who wait for someone not worth at all. I don’t mind. All those comment i take it as compliment. I defend her although i know she’s wrong. To proof how much i love her with all my heart and how important she is to me. No. It’s not to proof. It’s my will to do that. I am hopeless.
I find myself no life. There’s no hope for me anymore. The road ahead just blocked by something which i could only stand and watch. Dare not walk further. Dare not see or think what’s ahead.
When the rain comes. I want to feel the wind blows on me. The cold, the sound and the feeling which i can’t describe but could only feel. It represent my tears that i dropped for her. I wish she could feel the message i sending her and the cold surrounding me which soften my heart where i can feel the pain greater. I feel the time just stopped. My sight turns colorless. If the tears will help me to heal. I really want the rain will always be there to wash it all. I don’t want it to stop.
As the world spins around. My heart always hurting me. Waiting still for the love.
I really want her back but i am scared. Scare of falling down again. I don’t want to be loved and to lose it again. Giving her up is the biggest mistake. I can’t get rid of her. My heart keeps giving me pain signal to get her back but my mind tell me not to be stupid anymore. I’m lost. I don’t know the real me anymore. I dare not face it.

Nothing is forever

There’s many times that we hug together. Giving comfortable feeling. Start sweet talking. I told her that no matter what happen, i will always stay by her side. She will be the only one that i love the most. She said she never love anyone this much before. All of her friends knew she love me a lot. No one have doubt in their mind when we said we will live together forever. She want to live with me till the rest of her life. She called me hubby. When i think back of the moment, i could only smile a while. To be honest, i am very happy to hear all those words but it won’t last. It’s all a lie. I begin to learn something from my experience. Nothing is forever.
4 years+ of relationship. It’s long but now i feels it’s short as it ended so sudden and quick. To love someone, to sacrifice for them, to change for them and to share with them. I’ve proven that i could do all that but it’s not enough. She’s not sharing her thoughts with me. Whatever things she just keep in the heart. Once the bomb exploded. She won’t be back anymore. Maybe there’s something that we lack of. There’s no fate between us. I can’t fight to get fate. I really hope i can find fate. Fate to heal our relationship and to get back together again. Forever and ever again. Crap. I am dreaming again. Wishing something that won’t come true.
It’s not so long ago but i feels it’s so far away. I can feel my heart still waiting for her. Everyone assuring me. It’s time to walk away. Now i am here all alone and single. I no need no one to tell me. I may look strong but in fact i need care and love. Days goes by, i only can think of nothing is forever. What’s not yours, no matter what you do, it won’t be back. What’s yours, it will eventually come.

Still missing her

Pain and sorrow slowly faded. Tears don’t drop anymore. Restless night already gone away. I can eat and sleep well for now but one thing still remains. The picture of her always be with me. I got no intention of deleting or throwing them away. She will always be the one in my heart. I want to keep it as sweet memories. There’s nothing that can erase her from me unless god erase me. I am missing her day and night. Always think of what she did to me and what i did to her. Our moments, joy and happiness and sadness. Really hope that she will come back but what if she really do? Will i ever forgive her for what she did? I dare not tell unless it really happens. One thing for sure is that she won’t be back anymore. She is happy with her current life and feels guilty to face me. I will never have the chance to be with my loved one anymore. Not today nor tomorrow.
No matter what i do now. I will think of her. Giving myself a smile in the face. To tell myself as long as she’s happy. It’s alright for me. I won’t cry anymore. Not to torture myself as there’s many others who care for me. Everyday i look at her photo. Rubbing her face, feels her cheek and hold her hand. I was wrong to say i will not cry anymore. Tears drop slowly for her. I know it’s not real person. It’s just a photo but i really can feel it. The feeling which i already lost. To hold her, hug her and kiss her. It’s too comfortable till i couldn’t explain. When will i have it again? Will i be loved again?
I really regret that i didn’t treat her as good as she expected. Whatever things she said. I thought it was a joke but she really mean it. Everytime i joke with her. She take things too seriously. She kept inside her heart. For what i said. She will remember it always. Not telling anyone except herself. I guess regret is kinda late as she’s gone away. I really love the way she hug me at the back. Now and ever. I will always miss her.

Alone

Staying in my home. I feel lost inside. There’s a clock counting down what’s left of time so slowly. I must not stay home. It’s killing me. Everywhere i go i feel so lonely. My life is so empty without her. I get the chance to know other girls as they approach me but i don’t pick it up. I let the chance go as my heart has no space for that. I can see her everywhere i go. I trying hard to trick my mind not to think of her. Everything that i hear and every thought that i fear. I failed to control myself. I SMS her asking how she doing. She replied telling she having hard time to forget me also. The feeling strikes again. Tell me i was wrong to contact her. Tell me i was wrong to let her go. Tell me i was wrong to love her.
I don’t wanna get drunk but i cannot stop myself from getting drunk. I wish i could forget if i’m drunk but it won’t help. It gets worst. Once i got drunk, i will think of her. Tears will drop.
I got friends but they cannot give me the comfortable feeling that she able to give. I miss those feelings and moment we had before. I don’t wanna stop. I really don’t wanna stop.
This year is really a nightmare. Freaking horrible year 2006. Many unexpected things happened. Many of my friends break up. All also long term relationship like me. My grandfather passed away. Many things broke down. Have to spend a lot of repairs. Owe many people money. My ex-gf totally changed. Break up with me. Recently my friend’s father just passed away which also my ex-gf’s relative. Friend just accident. Broken leg. Sad. What a life… I hope next year will be a great year.

I hope she’s happy

Now I really cannot see if you were good for me at all. The things you had me do everytime you knew I would. I see it all clearly today. I feel like a fool to let myself down. I don’t trust you no more from the first time you did that to me. I am aware that you’re unhappy that i did not put any trust on you. I don’t care much for you because you know you’re the only one in my heart but you still light up fire on it. The fire slowly burning the feelings away. Hurting me. I had suffer enough. I’ve done everything i could and still can’t bring back the one that i used to love. I just have to face the day. She doesn’t exist anymore. All i can do is to convince myself it’s true.

Something changed from before and i wish i knew.

Once you told me that no other girl can take good care of me like you do. Yes, it’s true. You’re the only one that fully understands me and care about me. All i can say is I’m so sorry for the promises that i made to you. What i say i would do. I hoping that you can forgive me.

Tell me all the reasons why you made me so sad. I hope that you’re just like me. To be loyal but you’re not.  I know you must be happy thrilled that I’m not there.
Yet I know that I will make it. Make it good for me out here and soon I will be smiling. Everything will be fine. I’ll not worry anymore, that will be my lucky day.

I miss those times, I miss those days. When you were around, in so many ways
And it felt so safe and I was glad.
But now something’s changed, that makes me sad. If you’re doing fine, I don’t know. You see, I gave up calling long time ago. Haven’t heard from you, I guess that means that I’m no good no more, that’s what it seems and I was waiting patiently, but you never came. I realize it now, won’t ever be the same… again
Won’t ever be the same… again

Sorry that I could not be as perfect as you wanted me. Just wondering what’s going on in your mind. I sure hope you’re fine. Now I praying hard that you’ll be a good girl and happy forever without me. That is all i wish for right now and i hope you don’t dissapoint me.

The package is heavy

Even though i have girlfriend now. I can’t get myself to love her more. I scare will be betrayed again? No… I feels like i love myself more now. Couldn’t get myself to love others more than myself. I learnt to appreciate myself but that is not what i want. Hidden in my heart there’s some scars. I want to love someone with everything i had. To put my effort on something. To leave my heart for her to care. I guess there will be only one chance in my life. That will be for her but it’s already broken into pieces.
After she left me I feels like I’ve become weak. I try to look forward and move on but the feeling is not right. I can’t describe it. I feel lost. I will be very sad and keep thinking if there’s something happen to me which is bad things. Not like before, just pretend nothing happen and do my own thing as usual. Maybe because she was there for me all the time that made me strong. I am not right now. The package is heavy. I have to carry it on my own right now. I have to be stronger than before. There’s still tears but no pain in my heart. The tears i cried is not for her. It’s for myself and i don’t know the reason why. Am i too tired? Confused? Stress? I don’t have a chance to think of that. The feelings is so sudden and i couldn’t stop it. It add extra weight to my heart and bring my tears down from my eye. The only way to stop it is to let the tears leave first. I cried.
A life that’s so demanding. A love that’s so demanding. I get so weak.
I wish I could sit here all alone listening to sad songs. No worries, stress, confusion and regrets at all. Everything will be okay and I don’t need anybody. Hope i can feel fine like i always do.

Wondering if her heart still have me

I wondering all the time if she still love me like she did before… When I broke up with her. I kept telling her to tell me that she don’t love me anymore so I can move on without her. She don’t have the guts to tell me that she don’t love me. Just told me that we should not be together for a while. Actually, the one that don’t have guts is me. What if those words really come outta her mouth? I’m pretty sure it gonna hit hard on me. Why am I so stupid to ask for that at the first place?
Whenever I am happy with my new girlfriend, I met her. I don’t wanna look at her at all. My friend which is her good friend also, told me that she getting ugly. He said it’s because of me she become like that. I think those sentence should go the other way around. She’s the one that wanted it that way and she deserve it. I am the one who suffered more than her. When i was alone and sad. No one with me. She went out with someone who can hug and do whatever things that i don’t want to know cause it will bring pain to me.
Dreamt of her yesterday. The dream is quite simple but it means a lot to me. I still confuse about the dream. It should bring happiness or sadness to me? It’s about me and her live together. We both don’t talk even a single word. Just face each others with sad face. Then one day she’s not there in my room. She’s gone. I check the closet and all her clothes is not there anymore. Don’t know where she gone to. Is GOD trying to hint me that i am ready to let go? To let her go off my mind? OR i already found another love in my real life? I don’t know if it’s a gift or torture from GOD. All i want to know is, if she still love me like she did?

Things Changed

I don’t know if anyone is reading my blog but I just feels like it’s outdated. Should have update a bit so I can read in the future. To recall back my past.
She got find me back but I just cannot accept her back anymore. It’s not about I love her or not. I can see that she have her freedom now. Not like what she had before with me. Happy or not I do not know and I have no intention of seeking it. All I care now is my life. To be honest, I don’t hate her at all. Afterall, you cannot force people to love you. She made her decision to leave me. I made mine not to accept her back. I guess fate is playing the role here although I really don’t know whether i should believe it.
Well, that’s all I wanna type for last month but I don’t have time to do so. Now I just type in what’s left in my mind. Still can remember some of it but not all.
I still remember my previous post. I said " soon i will be smiling, everything will be ok. I won’t worry anymore. That will be my lucky day ". Yes, indeed. My lucky day has come. Now I am doing the same thing that I did just right after i broke with my ex-gf. Browsing the same forum, listening the same song and writing blog here. The only thing different is my heart. I don’t have the pain that i had before. Oops. Cannot be so cocky. Still got a little feeling on her. That’s for sure because I with her for more than 4 years. Now i am so happy with my new partner.
I guess that’s all I can say for now.

The One You Can Forget Is NOT The One You Loved

Yes, above phrase it’s true for everyone. I got questioned by my current girlfriend about my ex. I was wondering why girls like to ask about the guy’s past and jealous about it. If girls are about to show their jealously, sad or mad face whenever they ask about it. Then please don’t. It’s like they got nothing better to do & try to find trouble on their own.

Regrets

No one will ever know your secrets BUT don’t lie about your regrets.
The moment you left me, the doubt filled your mind. Please don’t resent
me the sorrow when you’re feeling lonely. You shouldn’t try to fill my
heart with your love and care. Instead, it should be the one you
wrapping now. After my dream of you, I woke with someone I missed. To
myself, I asked what am I missing when I’m done with her?
So, if you’re asking me. I want you to know that I’ve never been perfect
but
neither have you. Together we build one strong love. You lay it to
waste. Leave the past. Stop judging who is right and who is wrong. Keep
it all in your memory. You can hide all the hurts inside your heart
when you tell me goodbye. Deep inside your heart you beg me to stay but
you were letting me to go. Your lips say that you love, your eyes say
that you hate. So can you now. I can’t be who you are. You’ve already
own your freedom. Why you want to turn your freedom into sorrow again.
Are you lost? End your nightmare and spend more time on someone who’s
more concern about you. There’s always one to protect you from fear.
You will never be alone on your valentine’s day. I’ve paid for my
mistake & turn endless night out of sight. I hurt myself bad. Now I
had nothing to leave behind. The things I want to say to you got lost
before it can reach.  I cannot explain to you in anything I say or do.
I
had hope I believe. Hope you’re happy. All you ever wanted was someone
who realize you’re there everyday & night. To look up for you. I’m no one as you see. Now
there will be no mistaking again. My heart turned into ash. I see liar.